As THE BIG 38 is approaching rapidly, I can’t help but evaluate my life and wonder why things went the way they went. The school year is almost over and I am getting my garden ready to do some major lounging with family and friends during the summer vacation. On this beautiful ‘Sunny Saturday’ afternoon, the wind gently whispers the right words in my ear while I am pouring my heart out writing this article in the month of June 2020.
Blood Is Thicker Than Water
Family is so important to me! I even wrote a poem about them. Curious? Feel free to check out my spoken word poetry: ‘Generations’. Let me share some inside info with you! Both of my parents are retired teachers, they recently sold the house in the Netherlands and have spent the last 6 months in Surinam, South America. Due to Covid-19, they weren’t able to return back home. I must say that I am grateful to have my parents back healthy, safe and living with me for the time being until they find their own apartment. What a blessing to be able to do this as their first born! I remember, how cold Christmas was without their warmth. So, I decided to surprise them with a visit in February 2020! I was in need of some serious quality time with my family and friends in my country of birth. Who can relate to this feeling? The need of just being surrounded by their love which enables you to recharge with positive energy and giving you the strength to face any challenge in life that comes your way.
Wondering which challenges in life? Well, allow my voice to be heard on paper and those of my family and friends.
I was raised by two loving parents who have been together for more than 40 years and have given life to my brother and myself. My dream has always been to follow into their footsteps by having a family of my own. Unfortunately, life hasn’t been so kind to me in that area! You see, besides my dysfunctional “situationships” I wrote about in my previous article ‘Be-You-Ti-Full’, I also struggled with my health during most of my puberty and adult life.
My Personal Story
At the age of 17, I was diagnosed with PCOS-syndrome (polycystic ovary syndrome). Luckily, I didn’t have all the symptoms according to Wikipedia! But I hope you can empathize, that this was a lot to take in at such a young age. I had to use the Diana-35 (birth control pills) for 13 years to regulate these symptoms. Due to the hormones, I would have terrible mood swings and bloat up! Can you imagine how horrible that felt? While people didn’t know what I was struggling with, I experienced the remarks of my weight gain due to the medication as the most painful feeling during this time. Looking back, I wish the hospital would have advised me a special nutritionist that had the know-how about this syndrome! This topic was so personal and shameful that I would get so sad, I would just shut down and refused to explain myself to anyone! The main thing, I would worry about during these years was the question if I would ever be able to conceive in a natural manner. For years, I have been praying as a biblical Hannah that the Lord will one day bless my womb with my promised children. One of my heart desires is to give birth to twins, a cute little baby boy and girl. I have always hoped never having to use a modern way of getting pregnant!
At the age of 30, I was fed up using these unhealthy synthetic hormones and feeling this way! I would cry out to God and pray for healing. I would quote scripture of Him dying on the cross not only for my sins, but also for my illness. For the Word says: “But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed.” – Isaiah 53 NIV. I would beg Him to restore every organ in my body to function in a healthy way! With faith as small as a mustard seed, I stopped using the medication and my menstrual cycle miraculously became so regular that I believe He healed me from this dreadful syndrome. All praise to the Most High, truly My Jehovah Rapha (which is Hebrew and meaning the Lord will HEAL)! In the years after my healing, I felt better than ever not having those horrible hormones in my system. I felt way more feminine and happy that my body worked like any other healthy woman!
Such Mixed Feelings
While I was fighting my battles and celebrating my victories, my friends and family were settling down, getting married and making babies. For The Word says, go forth and multiply right? Well, this went a little bit different for me. At the age of 21, I devoted my life in service to Lord and have been waiting for ‘My Special King’ ever since. Of course, I have dated different men in the mean time but apparently I’ve been set apart by the Most High for ‘The One” or I am still healing from all the dating scars. Either way, during ‘The Wait’ (a book written by Devon Franklin) I had so much time on my hands and decided to make my dreams come true! So, I choose a path of academic achievements, career, traveling, fashion, business and ministry. Even though, I am very blessed it hasn’t always been easy standing at the sidelines and watching others get blessed in this area. I was always the sweet single friend, who organized the ‘bachelor parties’ or the ‘baby showers’. In all sincerity, it was fun to do and I was happy for everyone but at the same time I couldn’t shake the feeling of deserving this happiness as well!
If people could only feel, how much LOVE I have in my heart! I can’t help but pass it on towards: family, friends (children), pupils, cousins, nephews, church youth groups, children homes abroad and people whom God entrusts me with along the way. Remember I mentioned the challenges in life? Let me give you an example! Well, one of my cousins lost her mother due to breast cancer at the age of 4. My family and I, adopted her as our own and just like that I became a mother at the age of 21! I raised her as my own flesh and blood and loved her as a daughter. We made each other’s life complete and were inseparable. This is how I received inspiration for my spoken word poetry: ‘A Mother’s Heart’.
In November 2020, the family and I received the shocking news that ‘My Adopted Daughter’ was pregnant at the age of 20! This was a tough time for us as we had other hopes and dreams for her future, but it also taught us that life comes as it comes. The only way was moving forward with the love of God and support her even though there were intense emotions! I am a strong believer of positive thinking, but to be honest this was a very confronting time for me as I became a grandmother at the age of 37 who never experienced pregnancy or giving birth to a child! I felt like a failure, because I didn’t have this kind of experience and couldn’t guide her through this process. Luckily, she allowed my mother’s advice and was strong enough to figure things out herself. Now, she is a mother with her own healthy baby girl. As she grew up, I have always prayed for her future spouse who turned out to be a very young but loving father for their daughter and who I now call: ‘Son-In-Love’!
Believe me, when I say ‘Life is full of surprises’! Because guess what? On Tuesday the 5th of May 2020, our Heavenly Father blessed us with a double blessing! Two new lives were welcomed into the family! My second nephew was born on the same day as my granddaughter! How special is that? Due to the Corona-crisis, I haven’t met or held the babies yet. Which was a horrible feeling, but I am so grateful to God for these precious gifts from Heaven. Still I can’t help but feel sad and wonder when it will be my turn to welcome my children on Earth? So many ‘Unanswered Questions In Life’!
Experiences Of Life
This brings me to the last part of this article! Like I mentioned earlier, I have been praying to meet and fall in love with the daddy of my babies but for some reason it hasn’t happened yet or perhaps it has? At this point, I really have no clue who will be Mr.Right, so I guard my heart as I wait for him. As a woman of God, I try to live a Holy Life according to His Word but I must confess that I am standing at a crossroads. As I age beautifully, my faith is being tested severely! Sometimes I do worry about my fertility and how long ‘The Wait For My Soulmate’ will take! I cannot bare the idea of a life without my own Mini-Me’s. So lately, I have been doing research about all the different ways of getting pregnant in this modern day.
Allow me to share two LIFE conversations, I frequently have with a friend and family member:
One of my closest friends just turned 37 years old. A strong and successful woman, who has been married for 9 years to her husband. To make their marriage complete, they have been trying to get pregnant for the past years and even tried IVF (in vitro fertilization) several times. Six times to be exact, but with no success yet. For more information on this topic, I would like to kindly refer you to have a look at Wikipedia.
My dear friend and I, often talk about ‘The Unanswered Questions In Life’. The main topic that occupies our conversations: “Is the use of a donor a possibility?” As women of God, we seek His wisdom if it is allowed in this modern day. We are praying for a natural miracle, as we are strong believers that nothing is impossible for the Most High and hope that He will give us our Promises! I was allowed to share her story on this platform as we would like to encourage other women that they are not alone in this area!
One of my favorite cousins is 42 years old now. A successful and independent woman, who was in a relationship for 8 years with a younger man. They dreamt of having a child together, but unfortunately she miscarried while she was 7 months pregnant due to her illness: ‘Lupus’ (an autoimmune disease). For more information on this topic, I would like to kindly refer you to have a look at Wikipedia. If you would like to read her story have a look at my article: ‘Cycle of Life’
My dear cousin and I, often talk about ‘The Unanswered Questions In Life’. The main topic that occupies our conversations: “Is life without a biological child possible?” As we are both strong believers of everything happening for a reason, we are still mourning the loss of her son and my unfulfilled wish. I was allowed to share her story on this platform as we would like to encourage other women that they are not alone in this area!
As a tribute to all unborn children and their mothers, I pray this poem ‘What Makes A Mother’ written by Jennifer Warik will HUG your heart!
Editing Credits go to Moony4ever.blog (check her amazing website out)!